I'm Blue, How 'Bout You?

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies..

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States



Now I'm not claiming to have written this, but I thought it was worth sharing. And for all you "Reds" out there, go ahead and do your usual fact skewing, but it is unfortunately (for you) all true. God bless America...

Agent Double – O – Snore

So is it just me or is it way overdue for James Bond to hang up his gun? I mean seriously, even if his gadget buddy has been sneaking him some kind of anti-aging formula over the past 40 years or so, you’d think he wouldda caught at least one STD and fathered a string of illegitimate children all across Europe by now. Not to mention the Cold War has been over for how long?

I only mention this because I saw the preview for the newest one coming up and quite frankly I’m still recovering from that last one.

So in the last one, they did a pseudo re-launch of the series. It’s his first mission as a “OO”, but it’s present day. So he’s a spy in present day non-Cold War, and all the same characters (mostly played by the same actors as well) are there too. So Bond doesn’t get any older, but his colleagues do, even when they re-launch the series, confused yet?

Here’s a rundown of the last film. Bond chases some dude through Africa, insert big crazy ridiculous stunts. Then he chases some dude through an airport somewhere in Europe, insert more big crazy ridiculous stunts. Then he’s on a boat or in some hotel or something playing Poker in some other distant corner of the earth, and yes to answer your question this is all somehow connected. And if I remember correctly I’m pretty sure there was an invisible car (which became invisible somehow involving built in cameras and mirrors) in there somewhere.

The funny part is if you watch the last few bond films it becomes apparent that he either needs to put on a cape or start fighting vampire ninjas. That would make the films make more sense.

Also, I don’t know if this ad is playing in all the theaters right now, but apparently if you’re Kidd Rock then you can make a song about “warriors” and just splice together scenes of soldiers playing with children in Iraq, Nascar racing, and lots of flags and then you just automatically become the biggest baddest patriot this side of the trailer park…

Max Payne: The Perfect Title

Do you ever get that bad feeling ahead of time, as if you know you’re about to make a mistake, but you go through with it anyway? Yea, well that’s the feeling I get more often than not these days when I go to the movies. Now I like to give pretty much any movie a chance, and in my defense, this time around it was my mom’s choice, and she isn’t known for having the best taste in movies.

I try and take every movie with a grain of salt. I knew well ahead of time that The Phantom Menace wasn’t going to be the stellar achievement in storytelling that it’s predecessors were, but I took it exactly for what it was going into that theater. I sat in nervous anticipation, waiting for my nerd load to be blown all over the seats in my immediate trajectory. And it was exactly what I knew it would be, a brilliant light show and appropriate display of how far visual effects had come and just how deep Lucas’ pockets have become over the years. However people, no one can deny the fact that no matter how bad the story may have in fact been, those movies showed exactly what epic space battles and lightsaber fights between the greatest warriors in the galaxy should have looked like, and they delivered on just that.

With that said, Max Payne looked truly badass. Think a cross between Sin City and 30 Days of Night but in color. And that’s really about all the good I can say about it. If you like shitty plot, horrendous acting by people that really shouldn’t be called actors to begin with, and sloppy unresolved character arcs then you’re in for a treat.

It’s funny because I always defend the way movie stories are drastically changed from the source material, because the fact that most people don’t understand is that movie storytelling is a whole different beast and sometimes it just wouldn’t work in the original form on screen. But I gotta say, when these producers and writers completely change the original story into something that also doesn’t work as a movie, then you epic fail.

But what the hell do I know? I guess the mentality these days is just that hallucinogenic demons and pro athletes playing bad guys with makeshift swords is a formula for success…

That Half-Jew/Half-Catholic is Going to Hell

This weekend I had the immense pleasure of viewing a film that quite frankly, I can’t believe made it to theaters. Religiousity stars Bill Maher, outspoken comedian/self-proclaimed activist of pretty much anything against the norm. The film has the once half-Jewish/half-catholic and now prominent atheist, interviewing many different zealous followers of different religions.

If there’s anyone out there that has any major doubts, questions, or problems with any major religion they follow, or you just have a pretty cynical sense of humor, then go see this film. I recommend it highly.

The film displays Maher’s unrelenting “in your face” style at its best. If you are easily offended or extremely close-minded than don’t go anywhere near this film, it will only piss you off. Now with that said, it doesn’t simply offer an “I hate religious nutcases” mentality. The way in which he synchronizes intense music alongside very dated clips of instructional religious propaganda for children had me rolling in my seat more than once. He also makes references to certain images throughout the film that he mirrors with current pop culture. My favorite moment in the entire film was Maher referencing a “chubby, bad at sports Jesus, sporting a jew-fro” followed by a clip of Jonah Hill from Superbad.

I would like to mention that I completely agree with Bill’s tactics, for the most part. He has a good knack for putting religious gurus on the spot and pointing out all the major plot holes and consistency errors, as well as calling them on all their “copouts”. The one problem I had was the way he seems to constantly cut people off throughout the film. Whenever they begin to defend themselves he interrupts and discourages them from doing so by simply becoming frustrated and screaming out his own point. I would like to have seen more of the other side, because I have had many of the same questions in my own experiences. However, one of the best scenes is when he gets into it with a Rabbi who insists upon making his own point just as much as Bill does. Doing so prompts Bill to get up in mid interview and say, “I’m done” without finishing the interview. I think this may have ultimately hurt his cause, but it is pretty damned funny to watch.

Also try to keep in mind this is a documentary, not a concise display of facts. Many people tend to forget that all documentarians, no matter how much they may love and agree with them, are putting forward a point, which is in the end their point, not one of the majority. The facts may or may not be unbiased, but ultimately it is their own point they wish to convey, not an equal-sided display of information. Some tend to forget that. However, even if you are a total religious nutcase, it doesn’t hurt to laugh at yourself every now and then. Don’t worry, God won’t hate you for watching it.

Either way it was worth my green, go watch and start up a conversation about any and everything that was said. It would sure as hell be a lot better for the world than another conversation about the latest episode of The Hills…