Batman: The Grey Squire (at best)

I'm not one to hate something mainstream just for the sake of going against the grain, but I am known amongst my circle of friends and co-workers to hate certain things that everyone else seems to love, but never without reason. With that said, Batman is one of the lamest super heroes of all time.

I know I know, sacrilege right? But I have to ask why? What makes him so fucking great? Seriously. I know he's popular, much further beyond the source material than most comic book heroes. He has lots of movies, toys, and memorabilia, but a truly great character that does not make him; simply a very well marketed cash cow. Let me tell you why most of you out there are all wrong about this very undeveloped character.

Let's go back to the beginning. Young boy's parents are killed by a mugger (who may or may not be a pre-Joker Joker depending on which story you follow), stays bitter for years and years, grows up through the rich kid, pretty boy, privileged elite system, dons a cape and mask to fight crime in a deeper and darker pseudo New York, all while having no super powers whatsoever (unless you consider a super charged bank account a super power). All that would be fine and dandy for a B-list Silver Age Hero, but not the all-powerfully invincible force DC and Hollywood has turned him into.

My problem in a nutshell with Batman as a character is that he is completely undeveloped, and everyone simply excepts this undeveloped perfection because he's so "badass". Let's run through his skill set. He's the best detective in the world, the best ninja in the world, he inexplicably has a super gadget for any and all situations (while also always having the foresight to always know which gadget to bring at what time), a genius scientist, a genius businessman, and in better physical shape then any other "normal" human on the planet, and is able to juggle his fortune and heal from his nightly outtings all on about an hour of sleep every night. Uhhhh....what the fuck?

My issue is that no powers equals total bullshit. Trust me, I know this is all fictional but the most common argument I hear is that people love Batman because of his lack of power, in effect he is what anyone could be, that he doesn't have the luxury of being Superman or the Green Lantern. Yet if you follow DC's major events or simply watch all of the movies and cartoon shows, he always seems to come out totally unscathed no matter how perilous the odds are. All on no powers, he's just that crafty. And again I ask how? What the fuck could make him so awesome that something could wipe out the whole Justice League but could make them all sigh in relief as he arrives with his Bat-O-Inexplicably-Save-The-Day-Rang just in the nick of time, every time?

At what point exactly did he become such a great detective/ninja/gadgeteer/etc in his early life? It's fucking ridiculous, the background is just not there. Maybe he took a decade long trip to China and recieved training while he was attending business school, or spent another decade mentoring with the FBI while he was at the office expanding the Wayne business empire, anyone? But again, its all just accepted with no problems and that's my problem. His marketing department is very steady with his periodic explanationless expansion in skill set. Just wait, in no time at all he'll be morphing into a giant mutant man-bat, casting magic spells, and astral projecting all over the place, and just as timely as ever, the legion of fans suckling at his bat teet will all agree that it all makes perfect sense simply because "he's Batman and he just kicks ass".

Well I say nay...